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to__sea
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Interests: heroin. crack. needles. guns n roses. fleetwood mac. coffee. peace. love. mama junana. cigarettes. the beatles. the doors. water bongs. acid.
Expertise: partying.
Occupation: drop out.
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/9/2006
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| Well, I haven't been on here for awhile and I totally couldn't figure out how to work with this new upgraded bullshit xanga thing. Gosh, must we always be upgrading shit? It ain't broke, don't fix it.
This morning I experienced, or woke up to a horrible crash; yet another unpredictable change of moods. You would think that by now I would be able to predict bipolar disorder. Yet, it has once again taken control of my mind and body and swung me in the opposite direction.
It is crippling. It is like I just want to go into hibernation for months until I feel better. I just want to sleep forever, or until I wake up and feel happy like I did just fucking yesterday. I don't want to die, just sleep. I know that it isn't absolute, nothing is, although it feels like I will never feel better again. I am really really really disconnected from reality. I am fucking numb, just fucking blank. All of the drugs in the fucking world couldn't even make me feel better right now...and that's a lot of drugs. Just yesterday I was peaking a manic episode, you know, when it starts to get out of hand and you're no longer hypomanic, but just full blown manic? I punched my mom in the face yesterday because she said something to me. I took it the wrong way, she provoked me and a screaming match (on my end) began and ended with my fist to my mother's face. What the fuck is wrong with me? Fuck. I'm looking back now and even in the moment yesterday, I could literally feel someone else jump out of my skin and punch my mom while I just sat and watched. I'm going through the motions. I am going to hate myself for sounding so fucking emo, but I literally feel dead inside. Depression has hit me hard in the past, and I thought it was soooo bad back then. Little did I know, it was just the warm-up. It's eating me from the inside out. I feel physically sick, in some ways.
I think it's a good idea to maybe go back on my medications before I do something really stupid?
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| i went to boarding school in utah for 5 months. i got back august 21.
shit, i've even been off heroin (and tweek and crack) for seven months.
i go to college. i graduated high school at my boarding school.
i'm still a lazy stoner with no job, but i don't care.
the best part of my life right now is my boy. we will be together forever.
i love him so much.
so fuck what ya hurrrd, no i'm not dead.
however, that is the rumor.
people will say anything these days. fucking paparazzi n shit.
have a wonderful day.
peace and love.
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| A lot has happened.
It's bittersweet.
But mostly sweet.
I went into detox for 3 weeks. I was going to die if I wasn't admitted into some kind of hospital. I have now been clean for 23 days today and I am staying clean. The minute I pick up that next drug, my life will be over. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful; something I have known for years. It is finally starting to hit me hard now. I will probably not be commenting back, nothing personal, but I need to keep myself straight. I can't get myself back into this lifestyle again. But I hope anyone who is struggling can someday find it in themselves to change. It is worth it. I got out of the hospital yesterday and I have a good mindset and I hope to keep this mindset. I pray to not relapse and I am attending meetings. I do not wish to return to a life of insanity, resulting only in jails, institutions and death. And I was going to die. I chose life this time. I am living at home and trying to get along. But every minute it is hard. But I am making out okay.
Oh, and I have lost 12 pounds.
But that's a whole other ball park.
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| I'll sell you my pubes for 10 dollars. | | |
| If you're not havin' fun,
WHAT'S THE FREAKIN' POINT!?!?!?!?!?
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